I Was Angry Too...

It was about 2:30AM when I stumbled upon the 2nd most disturbing video I had ever seen. It was only 2 days after the murder of Alton Sterling, and I had done my best to avoid the gruesome video at all costs. I got an idea of the nature of it from my FB and Instagram friends and I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach it. But at 2:30 in the morning,my inhibitions weren't as alert to be able to look away from the bloodied body of Philando Castile,as a visibly shaken cop (or from what I could see, gun),screamed out from what Philando's girlfriend, Diamond Reynolds described as 4 rounds to the chest for complying with orders.

I wanted to look away. So badly. But I couldn't.

So what ensued was another 20 minutes of looking through the hashtag #PhilandoCastile, as my eyes looked through news snippets, more pleasant pictures of Philando,and a video that originally came from Facebook of Diamond Reynolds and who I later found out to be a 4 year old child, in the aftermath of their loved one's shooting by a Minnesota police sergeant.

I couldn't believe it. And what I did next wasn't something familiar to me in the wake of killings of Black men by police officers.

I cried.

For hours. I cried and I screamed as the visions of these two men swirled around in my head as I put the faces of my boyfriend, brother, and best friends on the bodies of other Black citizens whose lives were gone so soon.

For a busted tail light.

For selling CD's with permission.

For Skittles and an Arizona Iced tea.

For [insert justification here].

I mourned the death of these two strangers so violently at 2:30 in the morning that when the well of tears had run dry...the only feeling I had left was anger.

Another black man. Another hashtag.

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

That seething and relentless anger didn't really allow me to function for the rest of the day. I went to work with a headache. I cried some more. And I looked at all of the Caucasian people at my job like they held those guns themselves. I became cynical. I locked myself in my office. I didn't care who noticed.

But then something happened...

My office manager came into my office after a Facebook post that called for no debates, just empathy. She came into my office and said "I just watched the video of that man and I am so pissed off. These cops are getting out of control."

I looked at her for a quick second. And beneath the tears I began to cry again,I saw a few of her tears. It was then that I realized...I wasn't alone.

Now when I say I wasn't alone, I mean it in more of an ally sense. The notion that a white woman could empathize with how I felt definitely wasn't a far-fetched notion, but at that time, in that mindset, it was what I needed. Because after seeing one of my black brothers killed and the idea of the same happening to the other, the only person who could understand my pain would be someone Black, right?

Wrong.

The next few days went by quickly as I wrapped my brain around the fact that others besides African-Americans could be upset and enraged about what they've seen on TV,Facebook,Twitter,etc. What I realized in those few days though, was that my mind went to a place where many of my comrades minds still are.

Anger.

Rage.

Blaming.

Those WELL warranted feelings took me past thinking clearly. I hated cops. I hated the system that bred them. And I was one of those Facebook users silently reading through the comments of people who supported them and hating them too.

My snap back into reality was on July 9th, when a protest claimed the lives of 5 Dallas, Texas police officers. With all of my burning rage, I wanted to be excited that they "got what they deserved." Just typing that today makes me shudder with fear that even for a second, I felt victory over another's death. That was when it hit me.

It's ALL wrong.

Now stay with me. I am an avid Black Lives Matter supporter. It is evident that there is a systematic misfire when officers of the law are dealing with Black men versus White men. I've seen it. I've heard it. My loved ones have been prey to it. The strength of the Black man may likely be the most jarring existence to institutions.

But all cops are not bad. Most cops are not bad. There is an enormous lack of accountability and lack of responsibility on these particular police departments that requires a systemic change. But the change does not come by being anti-cop. The change does not come by being anti-black. The change comes by being pro-justice-accountability, and pro-life. PERIOD.

There's a call to action for us as a nation to account for everyone's life. Because if you celebrated the death of the cops, while morning the lives of your brothers, you’re a part of the problem.

Our nation is in a state of unrest. I call out to all of you to find out how to be a part of the solution. Take that anger and fear and do your due diligence to find out what we can do next. As Blacks. As cops. As human beings. .Do not spread more propaganda of hate. And do not cast down your brother who disagrees with you. Ignorance only breeds more ignorance.  Do not succumb to your anger. Re-purpose it instead. Be educated. Be safe. Be knowledgeable.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only love can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." -Martin Luther King Jr.